Begin at the End

I'm a Gemini. Have I told you that before? My birthday was this past Tuesday and although I won't tell you which year I'm in, I will say that I'm still a thirty-something. I'm not embarrassed by my age nor am I hung up on numbers. I will answer honestly if asked but I don't willingly offer that information for the sole reason that so many people ARE hung up on age and take some sort of twisted joy in pointing out how old one is. It's tiresome and it makes me sad that they're more concerned with how much time has been used up already instead of the potential that still lies in the time ahead. In fact, when dealing with these people I usually go to the other extreme and tell them I'm 10 years older than I really am. Then they're just so amazed and puzzled at the fact that I look good for being that age. Heh heh! I'm not without my wiles.

Although my packaging has increased in size significantly and may not be as tightly wrapped as it once was, the girl inside is still as fresh as the spring chicken she was at 17. Most days. Sure, I've learned a thing or two along the way and I don't take the same risks that I once did but I'm essentially the same person. Age hasn't changed me THAT much that it's worth pointing out. At least, I don't think so. I still love Coca-Cola a little too much and think that my Nanny Theresa is the best gal in the world. I still love the same boy I fell in love with 18 years ago and I still think that the Lik-M-Aid stick is the most perfect candy ever made.

BUT... like every good Gemini there is always a flip side. Dare I say, a "dark side"? That girl? Well, she was born 80 years old. She's controlling, boring, and cranky. She's the one who always wants to do the right thing even though she doesn't always do it quite as eloquently as she should. She's the one who worries and tries to fix everything. She's the one that you'd just like to punch in the teeth because she never seems to pop up at the right times. For example, when I'm looking at a really cute pair of shoes or beads that I just have to have, where is she? No where to be found, that's where. That's when I really need her to step in and say, "NO! You do not need those. Put the money to good use instead." So I buy the things I don't need and of course, take them home and never use them. Then she shows up. Oh yes, then she's front and center to remind me what a stupid choice that was.

This birthday has been a bit of a rebirth for me. I've chosen to be more consciously aware of both my light and dark sides at all times. Or as often as possible anyway. My light side is a planner, a dreamer. My dark side is the stern school mistress who cracks the yard stick to ensure you're paying attention and focusing on the task at hand. The problem is that although I've tried to suppress the dark side in an effort to seem less "b!tchy" shall we say, my light side just has way too much fun and lives in the moment a little too often. Time for the two to meet. I mean in all other zodiacs don't they live in some state of harmony? Why do I have to be one or the other. Can I not be fun yet cautious at the same time? I think so.

This all spawned from the realization that a plan my little light self made back in the autumn has not only failed to come to fruition but that I'm even further off the map than I was when the plan was originally laid. Oiyvey! As such, the soul searching that I promised to do months ago has now begun. I've discovered that my light self likes to see the goal, the big picture if you will but has no idea how to get there. Since my dark self wasn't doing her job properly, the light self just sort of floundered and never made it there. Likewise, when dark self was pointing out everyone else's errors, light self just cowered in a corner rather than reminding dark self that it's not indeed the end of the world. Time to work as a team ladies.

I have a system. Maybe if it works I'll write a self help book someday. Hmm... excuse me while I add that to the list of goals. ........... Okay, back. The long and the short of it is that I needed to begin at the end. I needed to really think about what I wanted in the long term and then make a list of all the steps I needed to take to achieve those goals. I also needed to find a way to balance the light and dark other than just laying out a good plan. One of these ways is to document and celebrate the small successes to keep motivation up. Normally the light self would say, "Yes! Celebrate. That's a smashing idea." But in this case it simply means giving myself a pat on the back. Here is a taste of my successes today.

* wanted to go out for coffee this morning but made it at home instead - saved money and calories because let's face it, I would have had some sort of pastry too

* wanted to buy more bead supplies but decided to use up some of the things I bought and haven't used yet - saved money

* wanted to buy True Blood Season 1 on DVD but resisted - saved money

* found an awesome gnome for the garden but kept driving on by - saved money and cried just a little

* arrived early for my date with Sniffers - behaved more responsibly

* wanted to use the extra time from being early by going to the shoe store but didn't - saved money, a lot of it

* parked at the far edge of the parking lot at the theatre - used my cardiovascular system for more than just sustaining my life

* went straight home after the movie and declined an invite to go shopping - saved another pile of money

* bought only what was on my list at the grocery store, well except for laundry soap but I needed it and just missed adding it to the list - saved money

* made pizza at home instead of getting take out - saved money

* ignored conscience and went into garden center, coveted a Weeping Japanese Maple but did not buy it - saved money

THAT my friends is what progress looks like. Let's just hope that light and dark can continue to play nicely together.

My apologies for rambling, again. "I never could say anything 20 words or less."

(100 bonus points to the person who can tell me where that quote is from)