Monday, August 30, 2010

Are you there God? It's me, Marnie.

I'm not confused about Christianity vs. Judaism. I don't need to know about bras or maxi pads or why the girl in my class has curves and I don't. No, we're way past all of that. If you are there, do you think that maybe you could help me figure out what exactly I'm supposed to be doing with my life because despite my best efforts, I sure can't figure it out.

I've got the family thing down so I don't need help there. At least, I think it's going pretty well. My husband thinks I'm the cutest thing since miniature pumpkins and my kids are wonderful little beings that seem to be on the right path so that's never a bad thing, right? Sure, they're not going to be physicists or anything of the sort but as long as they make an attempt to find and do something they love, I'll be proud of them. More importantly, I want them to be proud of themselves. After all, when they're done school and out in the big world without me, any accomplishments they make will not be mine so my pride should not be a factor of their success.

I'm a firm believer that everything we do, whether it's a good choice or bad, is a learning experience but I think I've been learning quite a bit for a long while and would really like some time to maybe coast? Just for a little while? Maybe, just a year? Six months? Six weeks?

My conscience would like my mouth (or in this case, fingers) to stop whining now because I do realize that I am very fortunate to have a job at all but oh how I would love to do what I love to do. *le sigh* I'd like to create things, or maybe write (despite the fact that I'm not very good at it), or do anything that clearly affects someone in a positive manner. Yes, I realize that I currently do those things but I'd like one of them to be my profession. Maybe then I'd be so satisfied at the end of the day that I would have more interest in doing my housework rather than hiding behind my sewing machine or wire cutters.

I know that the company I work for does terrific work but honestly, I'm no dummy, I know that if I were to just disappear tomorrow no one there would notice. Well, my cube neighbour probably would because then who would irritate the crap out of her with constant signing or impersonations of the blue cat in the Smarties commercial? I think she secretly enjoys it. I don't like feeling like my work is meaningless. I don't like being asked for Thing A and then when I deliver Thing A it suddenly (and constantly) needs to be Thing B and that I'm the one who "misconstrued" the instructions. I know every place has it's peeks and it's valleys, I've been around the block enough times to know that but I have never felt as useless or out of place as I do now. Some folks are happy to just punch in and out and cash their cheques but our time here is limited and is it wrong to want the thing we spend the MOST time doing to mean something? Is it so wrong to want the thing you leave your children for everyday to be one that leaves you feeling valued and not like a complete idiot?

How I would love to have a real career. How I long to do something that defines me. How I wish I had a piece of paper hanging on the wall declaring that I am smart and capable.

So... if you're there, can you please help me figure it out? Can you please help me find something that will satisfy my desire and still put food in my babies' tummies without requiring me to abandon everything and go back to school for four years? Oh, and can you also tell me why on Earth there is braille on the drive-thru bank machine?

Many Thanks,



  1. It has been said that if you take what you love and do it for a living you will no longer love it. So, be careful of what you wish for. However, you should defitely at least LIKE what you do.

    P.S. I was wondering the same thing about the braille at the drive up ATM just last week!

  2. Boy, I hear you. That is where I am: I have a stupid job where I sit in a stupid cubicle and put stupid numbers in stupid spreadsheets. It feels meaningless, and it is completely uncreative.

    I want to write novels, and take photographs, and paint silk, and I resent every hour I must spend at work instead of doing the things I love!

    I ought to be old enough to have figured this out by now, but apparently not. :(