Sunday, April 5, 2009

An open letter to Django

Dear Django,

I would just like to say thank you. "For what?", you might ask. Well my dear dog, for everything you did to make my Sunday so perfect.

It was so thoughtful of you to jump up on my bed a dozen times throughout the night and walk around to make sure the bed was safe for me to continue sleeping in. It was also really nice of you to kick me in the face with your enormous, club-like paws. I read somewhere that if you sleep too deeply, your body can actually forget to breathe and die. I thought maybe that was just a myth but you must know about that theory too and so you kicked me now and then to make sure I was still alive. You're the best.

Thank you for biting off pieces of the bone you were nomming on last night and then throwing them up all over my bedroom carpet at 6:30am this morning. It was really time I got up anyway and you can never clean brand new carpet too often. After all, sleeping in and relaxing on a Sunday after driving around running errands all day on Saturday and being dragged around by you when we went to the groomers is really overrated. Sleep is for wussies. Anything more than 4 hours is a waste of time, I always say.

Also thank you for continuing to empty the contents of your stomach downstairs. What was really awesome was when you walked all over while vomiting. It's so much more adventurous to follow you around and guess where you left the next puddle while I was cleaning up the last one. It's kind of like an early Easter Egg hunt.

I'm sure the neighbours would also like to thank you for barking at the birds when I let you out at 7:00am, 7:15am, and 7:35am. It was time those lazy bones got up and your bark is like the singing of angels compared to the tweeting of birds.

It was also so nice of you to step in your own poo while you were out there and then walk all over the house and lay on the ottoman. You know, when I was at the store yesterday picking up those little soy candle things I like so much, I thought to myself, "Gee, I really wish they had these in poo scent. I think my family and our visitors would really like that. Oh well, berries will just have to suffice." Well, my wish has been granted. Now my house smells exactly like poo and it's just lovely.

Finally, thank you so much for supplying all of this early morning adventure and then curling up on the couch to sleep. All of that must have been exhausting for you. It really makes me so happy to see you sleeping like a little baby while I'm wide awake and have stomach acid burning through my flesh inside. I know the Doctor said that I am supposed to try to relax and reduce my stress level but what does he know anyway? I mean, he only went to school for a gazillion years. He can't really be that smart. Besides, isn't spending the entire weekend running around for others and cleaning an entire house relaxing? Well! If it's not, I don't know what is. That's precisely why I do it every weekend.



P.S. - Thank you for still loving me unconditionally despite the fact that my gratitude is dripping with sarcasm. Thank you for adding humour to my life because tomorrow, this will all be funny.


  1. Well.

    This does make me feel better about my kitty puking up a hairball on me, actually.

    Thank you!

  2. Oh my gosh, I was laughing out loud - that is EXACTLY my dog. To a 'T'. The face kicking especially.
    I hope today is better!